The Piano Masters
by Not Just a Nerd
Summary: What happens when there is a fund-raiser at the University that involves a piano contest, when Sheldon is the only one who can play the piano, but is banned from fund-raisers? One-shot. No pairings.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the Big Bang Theory, or anything else mentioned here. Takes place in season 4, but can work anywhere.**

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><p>It was a typical Thursday evening. The four friends were sitting in the living room in their usual places, eating the usual food- selected by Sheldon, of course. Leonard, Howard and Raj were talking about the new comic book that they'd bought just two days back, and how cool the graphics were. Sheldon was unusually quiet, not correcting their "mistakes" every other minute, for some reason, which nobody bothered to ask, because let's face it, nobody likes to hear lectures on what they are doing wrong and what is wrong with them every single second. So if he's quiet, let him be, and like his mother says, praise the Lord for answering prayers!<p>

Of course peace and quiet could never last long, not for them. While not someone who felt or understood or even tried to feel or understand human emotions, Sheldon decided to go ahead and say out loud what was on his mind. "I still do not understand why I was not invited to this fund-raiser. I was brilliant at the last one; everybody remembered my name for days. It astonishes me."

The three of them took their eyes off their food for just a few seconds to give him a look of disbelief. The way they remember, the last time Sheldon was at a fund-raiser, everybody was rushing to get away from him, just as he was rushing to get away from everyone and the bunch of germs they were carrying. And as far as they could remember, Sheldon was just not invited- he was banned, forever.

"It _is_ a shock." Leonard concurred in a tone of sarcasm that he was pretty sure Sheldon wouldn't catch on.

Sheldon shrugged, looking a bit more at ease now. "Well, I assume the other departments feel threatened by my superior knowledge and skills at everything. They are too insignificant and vain to appreciate my expertise on things. It's their loss."

Again, the three of them took their eye off their food for just a few seconds to give him another look of disbelief. It still shocked them how clueless Sheldon could be. It was like his mind put him in some parallel universe.

"Yeah, their loss." Leonard knew better than to argue and try to set him straight. He waited for Sheldon to carry on with the self-absorbed bragging like he usually did, but as he was quiet once more, he decided to discuss the important things. "So where are we with the fund raiser again?"

"We found a piano." Howard announced excitedly, almost as excited as he was when each issue of Playboy came out.

"That's' good", Leonard gave a small smile. "And?"

Howard looked at him like the answer was obvious. "And it works."

Leonard scrunched his nose up. "So, did you try some tunes?"

"We did!" Raj declared enthusiastically. He placed his hands on the piano placed on the desk, like it was a computer keyboard and he was getting ready to type, and cleared his throat, "Check it out, we can play The Blackberry Boys! It's a huge hit back in India, it's a cool song."

Before anyone could protest, it began. Raj and Howard. "Singing". Together. While playing a piano.

"_We are the BlackBerry Boys. We are the BlackBerry Boys."_

Let's just say they were lucky that the neighbors did not call the police to complain about some undiscovered species screeching in the building, or that they actually didn't sing for the commercial and wreck the company forever, because, seriously, they couldn't possibly have been more off-key.

Once it stopped, they looked at their friends expectantly, waiting for the praises to flow in. So maybe Sheldon wasn't the only clueless one.

Leonard only shook his head to try to get rid of the headache, and hopefully the memory of this horrifying experience, and the question why they picked a Blackberry commercial, of all the things that they could sing. "No, I meant something that we can play at the fund-raiser, maybe some original tunes."

"That did sound original, if I may say so." Sheldon offered what he thought was a compliment, and gave them a small smile.

Of course it only earned him glares from everyone else for reasons he could never understand.

Leonard sighed. "Okay, we need to come up with something soon. We only have this week. Why did this have to be a piano contest? Couldn't they just let us play the cello? I'm so good at it."

Raj snickered. "Is that why they kicked you off the team?"

"They didn't kick me off", Leonard protested loudly, "I quit, because of Leslie. Remember?"

Raj scoffed. "Sure."

Somehow Howard saw this as the perfect timing to offer his insights. "So I was thinking we could try remixing some tunes from Dirty Dancing."

"Or Madonna." Raj proposed.

"Ooh, how about Gaga?" Howard added immediately.

"You'd need a meat dress." Sheldon pointed out. "Hopefully dogs aren't allowed inside."

Leonard gave them all a look of disapproval. "Guys, let's focus. This is a fund-raiser that will be full of old rich women. They _probably_ don't want to listen to Madonna or Gaga."

Howard blinked. "So you're saying you'll take one for the team again?"

"What? No!" Leonard broke into breathy scandalized protests, shuddering slightly at the memory. "What I'm trying to say is, we should do something more_… classical_. Like Beethoven."

Sheldon laughed.

Everyone turned their heads to stare and glare at him.

"I thought it was a joke." Sheldon shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "You're _below_ amateurs. You're like little rabbits trying to understand de Broglie's hypothesis. Do any of you even _know _how to play a piano?"

"No, but we know how to drive." Howard snarled.

Before Sheldon could protest and this could drag on, Leonard interrupted. "We'll learn. How hard can it be?"

"How hard can it be?" Sheldon asked incredulously, staring at him with big wide eyes, like he had just said that Spiderman couldn't crawl on walls or shoot webs. "It amazes me how a homunculus like you can have such an inflated ego, Leonard. It took _me _three months to learn the piano. I don't think you'll be able to learn it in three lifetimes."

Leonard sighed. "How about _you_ teach us?"

Howard made an alarmed noise with his mouth. He leaned forward, like Sheldon couldn't hear him if he did, which he could, by the way. It's one of the many strategic advantages of his permanent place on the couch, as he'd tell you. "Leonard, are we really asking _him _to teach us? Can't we just hire a teacher?" he hissed.

"We don't have the money or time." Leonard pointed out.

"Yeah, but _him?" _

Leonard sighed in defeat. As much as it pained him, he really had no choice. "Come on Howard, it'll be fine. Sheldon?"

Sheldon stared at him like he couldn't comprehend what was happening. "Why would I teach you?"

Leonard shrugged. "Because we're your friends?"

"Why are you putting a question mark at the end of an answer?"

"I… don't know?"

"There, you did it again. Is this some kind of new social convention that I'm not aware of?"

"Sure, whatever." Leonard shrugged. "So when do we start?"

"You still haven't told me why I should teach… you?"

"I just did, I said because we're your friends."

"That is such an unscientific reason, Leonard. I'm sorry but it's not enough for me to abandon my valuable research and waste precious time on-"

"The word on the campus is the Humanities are winning."

It was like Sheldon was suddenly replaced. Suddenly he was a man with a mission. "Alright, let's begin."

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><p>Sheldon was sitting on the couch, with the piano near him, staring at it and criticizing its shape and color and condition. "Did you wash your hands?" he asked, as soon as Raj and Howard entered the room.<p>

"Yes." Raj answered.

"Twice?"

"Yes." Raj answered again, Howard nodded.

"With the lukewarm water I left for you?"

"Yes." Raj sighed, Howard, glared.

"And the specially synthesized soap?"

"Yes." Howard hissed.

"Alright then." Sheldon replied happily. He pulled out gloves from the back of his pocket, and started putting them on.

No matter how many years he lived with Sheldon and how many crazy obsessive compulsive antics he'd seen, Leonard was never any less surprised. "Why are you wearing gloves?"

"Leonard, don't be ridiculous. Who knows where this piano is from and how many germs it contains?"

"But you just made us sanitize it." Raj reasoned.

"_With your dirty hands._ I believe they may have more germs now. In fact-"

"Can you just begin now?" Howard asked impatiently. They were wasting time on useless annoying things. It was like foreplay of the torture before the actual torture began.

"I believe we can." Sheldon shrugged. "I'm tired of your childish questions anyway. Here are your instructions- I am your teacher. You may not interrupt me when I'm speaking. You'll do exactly what I tell you to do. And you'll question me once when I tell you that you can. Any questions?"

"Yes", Howard uttered through half- gritted teeth. "Can we start now?"

Sheldon gave him a glare, before continuing. "Very well. So, lesson one, the correct posture for placing your fingers on the keys."

"On my God." Howard muttered under his breath, handing his head down.

Raj leaned closer, whispering in his ear. "I can't believe we're doing this."

Sheldon shook his head in disapproval, like it was such a menace that they were talking in his class like fifth graders. "Now, put your index finger of your left hand like _this, _and the ring finger of your right hand like _this." _He demonstrated. "Come on, try it, I know it's harder than it looks and there's no point in trying but-"

Before he could finish, Howard did it.

"Oh, gee, imprudent." Sheldon gave him what he thought was a dirty look. "Alright then, next, you must learn how to press the key correctly."

"Can't you just teach us to play some symphony? We don't have time for this, Sheldon. The fund-raiser is in a week." Leonard almost pleaded, but in a whining tone.

"Leonard! It astonishes me how you can call yourself a scientist and still not assign proper importance to accuracy. I cannot stress enough about the importance of learning something properly. You are incorrigible."

Leonard sighed, leaning back against the chair. "Fine."

"Alright. Now, watch how I put light pressure on the tip of my index finger of my left hand, while lifting my ring finger of my right hand lightly at an angle of sixty degrees towards my body. Your diaphragm must be in-"

Howard stood up abruptly. "We can't do this."

"Howard."

"Come on, Leonard!" he begged. "He's not teaching us how to play a piano; he's teaching us how to be robots like him. And it's taking forever. We don't have time for this."

"So what do you suggest we do?" Leonard challenged, half- hoping that he'd have a good answer to that, which was kind of impossible, considering this was _Howard, _but hey, it's not like he was enjoying this either_. _

"Hmm." Howard thought for a moment. "Let's sneak him in."

"What? How would you sneak him in?" Leonard waved his hand in rejection. "Everybody knows him and everybody knows he's banned."

"Banned?" Sheldon asked, but everyone decided to just ignore him for once.

"We can be in costumes." Raj suggested.

"Ooh, goodie. The timing is impeccable", Sheldon revealed in a delighted tone, "I just upgraded my Doppler Effect costume."

"And we can wear masks." Howard added.

Sheldon's face fell, knowing the Doppler Effect did not come with a mask and that idea was discarded, but it lighted up again when he got a better idea. "Like Flash?"

"Or iron man." Raj suggested.

"Or batman." Howard added.

Raj turned to him and shrugged. "Rock- paper- scissors?"

"Rock- paper- scissors- spork?" Sheldon suggested.

"Ok, Flash it is then." Howard gave in, because, hey, there was no way he was going to go through that torture of infinite spork loops. Well, not unless it meant he'd be getting lucky.

Leonard still wasn't so thrilled with the idea. He could see how many ways it could go wrong. "So we'll be dressed as Flash, playing what? The Justice League's Opening theme?"

"I can do that." Sheldon announced happily.

Raj stared into space, smiling to himself, like he was picturing it. "That would be pretty cool."

"I don't think that's what they are looking for, Raj." Leonard reasoned. "Let's keep it Beethoven."

Raj sighed sadly. "Alright."

"Now we must discuss the details of this plan." Sheldon straightened his back, getting ready to begin his speech. "As you know, every lie must be detailed for people to believe it. For example, we need to decide what we'll say if anybody asks who I am."

Raj snorted. "You're Flash."

Sheldon made a condescending face. "Raj, don't be silly."

Raj shrugged. "Ok, we'll tell them you're our band-mate, Brandon."

"What if they ask why you never mentioned having a band?" Sheldon challenged. It was like a chain reaction, answers leading to questions, and more questions, not stopping till somebody had more than enough and dashed out of the room to save his brain from this virtual zombie attack.

"Uh, we'll say we just formed it?" Raj offered.

"Again with the question mark. I need to discuss this with Amy immediately."

"Sheldon." Leonard whined.

"What if they ask you why I'm the only one playing while you're standing beside me?"

Howard shrugged. "We'll pretend to be playing."

"Don't be ridiculous, Howard. They will know a single piano is playing."

"So we'll pretend to be playing in turns." Howard announced impatiently. "It'll work out. Don't stress so much about it."

"Don't stress-" Sheldon made a face like he just choked on the words in his shock and incredulity. He was staring at Howard with wide eyes, and a slightly open mouth- he'd open it fully like they do to express shock, but there were too many germs around, too many can get it.

Leonard sighed. He knew this could mean only one thing. "Alright, let's clear the whole thing out now."

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><p>And finally the day of the fund-raiser arrived. The costumes were made, worn, the detailed plan explained at least seven times with the help of flow-charts and diagrams, exit plans in case of emergency written down on papers and distributed to everyone. Leonard drove; Sheldon complained about everything in the world that he could think of, Howard kept glaring at him, while Raj took his sip of alcohol, in case there were women around.<p>

"Wow this place is full." Howard whispered, as they entered the place. It was a big hall, decorated to look pretty, full of delicious food, and packed with people. Luckily, nobody at the security was checking who the fourth member was- they were all busy staring at the superhero costumes.

"Yeah, full of old rich snotty people." Raj whispered back, a little too loudly. The alcohol was having its toll on him.

"Shh, keep it down." Leonard scolded.

Sheldon looked around, making a face at all the people that he hated, which was pretty much all the people, and pitying them for being such inferior things, till his eyes caught sight of something that made him feel like the ground would crack any minute and he'd jump right in. "Leonard, is _that_ the piano?"

"Yes." He said it like it was obvious.

Sheldon's hysteria increased, he was almost at the verge of hyperventilating. "Are people playing it?"

Leonard knew this couldn't be good. "I… think so."

"I can't do this." Sheldon said immediately, looking at the exit like he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could, even willing to walk all the way home. "People are touching the piano with their dirty hands, it's not sanitized, I'll catch infections. You know I can't do this."

It was then that Howard decided that he'd had enough all the week, and to be honest, ever since he met Sheldon, and grabbed him by his arm, forcing him to turn around and look at him. "Listen, you better do this, otherwise I'll put a dirty sock in your room where you can't find it, and you _will _catch infection."

Sheldon made a noise of agony, pulled his arm away from his grasp, and made a "Humph" noise, before finally giving in. And then he kept staring at Howard in _that _special way."

Howard rolled his eyes. "Sheldon, you can't explode my brain."

"I will someday. I'll keep trying till then."

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><p>It was amazing how many people were playing how many different tunes, and how good they were. For a moment, Howard, Leonard and Raj wondered if they could win. Sheldon, of course, was confident; after all, he was better than everyone at everything.<p>

Finally it was their turn to play. Sheldon went to the stage first, as he was the leader, after all, followed by the others, in the synchronized way that he had made them practice and perfect all week.

Contrary to popular belief, nobody asked any questions.

And then they began playing, Sheldon cringing every time his gloved fingers touched the dirty piano, but continuing playing anyway. Beethoven never sounded better.

It was time to "switch", and pretend like Leonard was playing. Like they had practiced so many times before, Leonard stepped forward near the piano, with his hands bent and together at his back-side, while Sheldon stood behind him and slipped his hands forward, to make it look like Leonard was playing.

It would have worked, if everybody was five year old, or if they were standing five hundred feet away. But nobody protested, because whatever it was that they were doing, it was pretty amusing.

Next it was Wolowitz's turn to lead, then Raj's. It was the perfect comedy scenes, especially with the costume. Cell-phones flashed, and YouTube was flooded with uploads.

And finally it was over, much to Sheldon's relief. He bowed to the crowd, against his will, and dashed away as fast as he could, standing near the buffet and waiting for the results to be declared. From the look the Dean gave him, he knew that he was caught, but everyone clapped and cheered on, so nobody bothered to throw him out.

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><p>It took two hours for the concert to be over, and one more for the people to decide whom they wanted to sponsor. Finally, the Dean was there with them. "I don't know <em>what <em>it was that you did, but it was definitely new". He greeted. "Congratulations, you've got the grant. Good work, Doctor Cooper."

"Wait, does that mean I wouldn't have to sleep with anybody this time?" Leonard asked, holding his breath in anticipation.

Dean patted his back, leading him towards the exit. "You wouldn't have to anyway; it was Wolowitz's turn this time."

The others followed, except for Wolowitz, who was too busy putting on a pained expression on his face, and saying, "Damn."

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><p><strong>AN: my first Big Bang Theory fanfic. Hope you liked it. PLEASE review and let me know. Criticism is welcome too, because I want to write for this fandom in future, and I need to perfect my characters. Thanks for reading :)**


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